How to tell if he’s cheating

 

 

Ebony, March, 2005 by Zondra Hughes

 

ONCE upon a time, your heart was at ease and all was well in paradise. Back then, your man made it clear that you were a top priority, regardless of what was going on in his world. So if he said that he would pick you up at 9:00 p.m., you knew to expect your doorbell to ring at 8:45 p.m. And if he said he was going to hang out with friends, you knew that he wanted you to be right there hanging out with him. And if he said that he was working late, you could always count on that phone call from the workplace, reassuring you that he was on his way home, and that he couldn’t wait to sink his teeth into his favorite dinner and spend some quality time with you.

But now the tide has turned and something, you can’t put your hands on it, is radically wrong.

His whereabouts are unaccounted for. Sudden nondescript “emergencies” are putting you and your needs on the back burner. The sex is different; his brief kisses and even briefer phone conversations have become empty consolation prizes for his absences and unfulfilled promises.

And now your mind is asking the question that your heart may have answered a long time ago: Is he cheating?

How are you going to find out the truth? And what are you going to do with the truth once you know it–are you going to fight for your relationship, or are you going to dump him first?

Here is the best advice from relationship experts and Sisters who have walked a mile in your stilettos. Caution: As in all cases of the heart, ultimately, the choice to pursue the truth, and the decision on what to do once you know the truth, lies with you.

WHO’S CHEATING? WHO’S NOT?

Disclaimer No. 1: William July II, author of The Hidden Lover, and other relationship experts around the globe, point out there are many reasons why a man would cheat, and his infidelity may have nothing at all to do with you or the status of your relationship.

“… He isn’t cheating because he doesn’t have a good partner, it’s because something inside him is creating a desire to go outside his relationship,” July explains. “Often he’s struggling with issues that are making him unstable.”

Disclaimer No. 2: Not every Brother is a cheat, and there’s a good chance that the Brother you’re with isn’t on the prowl for your replacement, at least according to recent statistics.

Although it may appear that there’s a whole lot of bed-hopping and heartbreaking going on–(and, not to step on any toes, here, but a whopping 44 percent of Sisters admitted to cheating in the groundbreaking EBONY Sex Survey, October, 2004)–the reality is that no matter how bad the current infidelity trend may seem, the majority of men do NOT stray.

In fact, just a scant 22 percent of men are scandalous, according to Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center (NORC), University of Chicago. Smith tells EBONY that the majority of African-Americans are vehemently against adultery, a trend that has been all but set in stone since the NORC began conducting such studies decades ago, and that the “adultery is wrong” sentiment is still echoed throughout the nation.

Yet Black women are quick to point out that the statistics about male infidelity are fluid at best. Many argue that 7 out of every 10 Brothers are creeping every now and then, or carrying on full secondary relationships.

FOLLOW THE CLUES: Telltale signs of a cheater.

Back in the old days, the signs of a straying mate weren’t too hard to miss: The smell of foreign perfume lingering in his car or on his clothes; the sudden surge in so-called wrong numbers and hang-up calls received at your home; unusually long hours spent at work without the overtime pay to prove it; and an uncharacteristic interest in his personal appearance are just a few of the common red flags.

Despite the common telltale signs of infidelity, no two cheaters behave alike, experts say. Sometimes a cheater will pick an argument so that he can storm out of the house and into the arms of another; and sometimes, a cheater will become overly romantic, says television show producer and self-described cheater Bobby Goldstein, creator of the reality series, Cheaters.

“I wasn’t at home a lot; I was very short-tempered with my ex-spouse, and I think I overcompensated for my actions by trying to do more and more good in less and less time,” Goldstein says. “So if you receive flowers, and more attention, but the little things don’t check out, or if there are expenses that are not accounted for, you need to [look out]. If a woman is smart, she will be all over this guy and make him come clean.”

Here are other surefire signs of a cheater, according to Brittian Wilder, author of Is It Love or a Big Misunderstanding?:

* He is constantly saying, “I need more time to myself,” even if you only see him a few days out of the week already.

* He’s always finding excuses to be away from you. (Usually this is when “hanging with the homeboys” come into play.)

* Changes in the bedroom–he is rarely in the mood for sex; or he may try something new with you.

* He suddenly becomes critical of you and compares you to others.

* He develops an interest in new things, hobbies or even foods.

* He can’t look you in the eye when you ask him pointblank, “Are you having an affair?”

Cheating on the Internet is just as serious as cheating in the flesh, despite the common belief that there are no victims when married partners engage in virtual sex while chatting with others online, according to Pennsylvania-area psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web.

“I’ve discovered that people were getting hooked on the Internet the way people are addicted to drugs or alcohol,” Dr. Young tells EBONY. “There are many stories of Internet infidelity that I’ve come across, and every couple’s definition of cheating is different; some people believe that chatting on the Internet isn’t cheating until they are at the point when they cross that boundary and they are going to meet the person.

She continues, saying, “A major sign that the online relationship is getting out of control is when the spouse is spending so much time around the computer that he doesn’t go out with the spouse any more.”

According to relationship experts, these are the common signs of an Internet affair:

* He is spending an inordinate amount of time on the Internet, especially time that used to be spent with you.

* He abruptly stops typing or turns off the computer in your presence.

* Your mate does not like to check his e-mail in front of you, or if he keeps multiple e-mail accounts.

* He has several unexpected meetings with people you don’t know.

* Your mate regularly visits dating sites on the Internet.

* There are unusual credit card charges from unknown Internet merchants.

Getting to the truth online is going to be a lot harder nowadays.

One company supplies realistic alibis–complete with supporting documentation–for straying spouses; and a host of Internet companies sell computer software programs that promise to erase every site you visit, every file you open, and every person you’ve ever e-mailed for good. Which also means that perusing your lover’s old e-mails, or monitoring their online chats and downloading activity may be a thing of the past.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE: How to Catch a Cheat (If you want to)

It used to be that most Sisters–blessed with the sixth sense of smelling a lie before it even tumbles out of a man’s mouth–were quite adept at knowing, feeling, smelling, or sometime even predicting exactly when a partner has his good eye on someone else.

And for many, outwitting a cheating mate is a badge of honor, as Sisters have become quite industrious at getting to the bottom of things.

Renee * of New Jersey suspected that her husband was slipping out of the house during the wee hours of the morning as she slept, so she dumped dry copier ink at the entrance way seconds before the couple settled for bed.

“I destroyed the mauve carpet,” she laughs. “But you should have seen the look on his face when I pointed out his set of black footprints returning to the bedroom.”

(Renee’s husband admitted to the fling, and the two are currently in marriage counseling).

Jackie * of Tallahassee, Fla., was unnerved by her boyfriend’s constant mentions of a particular co-worker. She reprogrammed his cell phone so that it bypassed voice mail and automatically picked up whenever he received a call. On one Friday afternoon, Jackie called his cell phone at work and got an earful–all without his knowledge.

“They were in his cubicle plotting how they were going to get away from us [their respective mates] for the weekend,” Jackie says. “I was hurt as hell. I didn’t mention a word about it until he came home from work that evening. And sure enough he told me this long sob story about how his grandmother being ill and he wanted to spend the weekend with her like he used to do as a little boy. I said nothing. He went away for the weekend, and when he returned on Sunday night his possessions were waiting for him on the front porch.”

(Jackie * and her bad-boy beau have since broken up.)

Women can rest assured that for every new tool that’s on the market to assist your mate in his quest to run around on you, there’s another tool on the market to assist you with busting him out.

DNAPlus.com offers what it calls the “5 Minute Infidelity Test Kit” that is sure to be a hit with those Forensic Files and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation buffs out there. The kit claims to detect invisible traces of sexual activity in your sheets or articles of clothing, even if he uses a condom.

If all else fails, you can always hire private eyes and a television crew to follow a suspected cheater. Not only will you expose him as a liar, you can also dump him on national television. The reality television series Cheaters does exactly that, five nights a week.

During the first half of the 30-minute show, suspicious mates have their suspected loved ones followed by private eyes–sometimes even outfitting their own bedrooms with surveillance cameras. During the second half of the show, the jilted mate confronts the cheater in the act of committing some of the most outrageous acts of infidelity.

INFIDELITY: The Aftermath

So, you’ve unearthed the cold hard facts that indicate that your mate has been unfaithful. Now that you know the truth, it’s time to determine if your union is worth saving, and if it is indeed salvageable, suggests New York-area matrimonial lawyer Robert Stephan Cohen, author of Reconcilable Differences: 7 Essential Tips to Remain Together from a top Matrimonial Lawyer.

“The natural reaction of someone who’s been cheated on is to vacillate between wanting to stay with their partner and needing to leave,” he notes. “Once you’ve made a decision, you have to let your partner work to regain your trust despite your natural reservations. You have to take a leap of faith and believe in your spouse’s ability to be faithful.”

Conversely, if you do decide to separate, Cohen warns that your decision should be a well-thought-out one, not a quick reaction to the injustice at hand.

In other words, if you really don’t want to leave your man, because he has proven himself to be a good and decent man despite this indiscretion, cut the divorce theatrics and find yourselves a good counselor.

“Two people who are truly in love with each other can make an effort and right all wrongs, by being honest and direct,” Cohen says. “Believe me, I’ve seen it happen.”

COPYRIGHT 2005 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2005 Gale Group

Bibliography for “How to tell if he’s cheating”

Zondra Hughes “How to tell if he’s cheating“. Ebony. March 2005. FindArticles.com. 08 Oct. 2007. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_5_60/ai_n11852371

Infidelity: why men cheat

 

 

Infidelity: why men cheat

Ebony, Nov, 1998

It’s been called everything from having an “improper relationship” to having an “undercover lover” to having a “freak on the side.” But whatever name it’s given, it means one thing — cheating. And relationship experts say men are doing it now more than ever.

In fact, experts estimate that nearly 75 percent of married men, or men involved in serious relationships, cheat. That means three men out of every four practice infidelity, if the numbers are to be believed. And maybe even more disturbing is the simultaneous collapse of the seven-year itch, the once-disreputable length of time it was thought to normally take a man to give into sexual temptation. Today, studies show that most men who cheat are doing it within the first three years of a relationship. Newspaper classifieds now are even speckled with personals that read: “MBM (Married Black Male) in search of a NSA (No Strings-Attached) relationship.

What’s going on here? Why the recent surge in male infidelity? Relationship counselors say it can be attributed to many factors, but perhaps the overriding reason men are cheating at an alarming rate is because it’s easier than ever before.

Long gone are the days when a man and his mistress communicated by calling each other’s home, letting the telephone ring once and hanging up. With technological advances such as pagers, cell phones, voice mail and e-mail, a Brother with a cheating heart can carry on a side relationship without much fear of getting caught, virtually staying in touch with the other woman 24/7 without his partner ever having a clue. Add to that, the increased daily contact between men and women, according to all available statistics, and even men who were onetime scaredy-cats have turned into bold and brazen cheaters.

In his book, Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat, Michael Baisden says the emergence of workplace diversity has made the job site the rendezvous hot spot of the ’90s. “Women are on the job in record numbers, occupying every position from secretary to CEO,” Baisden says. “This reality puts men and women in direct contact with one another on a daily basis. In the morning, they board crowded buses and trains together, and for eight long hours they work in cramped office spaces, brushing up against one another by accident, and by choice … A cordial invitation to have a quick lunch passionately erupts into an indecent proposal to have a quickie for lunch.”

But even with ’90s-style changes in technology and the workplace environment, relationship counselors stress that the bottom line is the same today as it was yesterday: A man two-times for one reason — because he wants to and some lack the impulse-control to suppress his wants. Experts say that unlike women — who undoubtedly fantasize about extracurricular romance but are able to separate it from reality — men are unable to distinguish between mental longings and physical transgressions, many times until it’s too late. “To be faithful, a man ultimately has to deprive himself of something that he knows will feel good,” says Ronn Elmore, an L.A. relationship therapist and author of How to Love a Black Woman. “Deprivation in a society that says, `If it feels good, do it,’ is tough for most men.”

This doesn’t mean, by any means, that all Brothers cheat. There are solid men all around, as evident by the number of couples celebrating their 50-year wedding anniversaries in Jet and other Black newspapers.

But for the ones who do cheat, the reasons vary. For some men, cheating feeds the ego. For others, it feeds their illusions that a man’s role is to conquer as many women as possible, and a woman’s sole purpose in life is to please men. And still others creep because of its intoxicating effects, providing an adrenaline rush. But whether a man considers cheating mental therapy, role playing or more thrilling than bungy-jumping, “nothing justifies it, nothing makes cheating okay,” says Darlene Powell Hopson, a clinical psychologist in Hartford, Conn., who co-authored the book, Friends, Lovers and Soulmates: A Guide to Better Relationships Between Black Men and Women, with her husband, Derek S. Hopson, also a clinical psychologist. “A man needs to deal with the underlying reasons why he cheats.”

While men many times have the false impression that they cheat simply to have uncommitted sex, experts say the reasons run much deeper. The following, according to experts, are the real reasons men cheat:

Women Stand For It:

Men wouldn’t cheat if women didn’t let them. Women marry men who have cheated on them during courtship, even though relationship experts warn that a man who cheats on his fiancee, or even his girlfriend, will probably cheat on his wife. But the reality is that the world is filled with scores of lonely women looking for love. Men are well aware that the loneliness some women feel is so strong that they are willing to settle for a cheater, and write off his scurrilous ways as a simple case of “boys will be boys.” At day’s end, these women would rather lie down next to a cheater than no man at all.

Frustration Over Present Relationship:

It all sounded good at first — sharing his life, his hopes, his dreams in an exciting relationship with one special lady. But soon after the newness wore off, his romantic visions of a wonderful future shifts to the realities of a problem-filled daily existence. The dishwasher’s broken, the car needs a new transmission, work is a pain and the bill collectors are calling. Before long, most of their conversations consist of taking care of mundane tasks. He begins to feel like his partner is more critical of him, more argumentative, and does not give him the attention that he deserves.

So he eventually cheats, viewing it as a way to obtain the emotion that is no longer present in his current relationship. With his undercover lover, there is no stress, no pressure. They both work hard to satisfy each other mentally and physically. They share their shortcomings, and in time develop an emotional bond.

Thrill-seeking:

This man is bored and likes the novelty of being with another woman. So rather than put energy into rekindling the relationship he has with his partner, developing a hobby or engaging in something else that will give him an adrenaline rush, he looks for excitement in all the wrong places — first and foremost, in-between the sheets. He usually has a series of affairs with different women, moving from one to another one when the novelty wears off.

Ego Boost:

The cheating game is filled with men looking for reassurance of their manhood from a woman other than the one he’s involved with. He feels a lack of self-worth and self-esteem, and cheating provides a mental vacation, an escape from the responsibilities of his daily life. He has convinced himself that his cheating heart can cure his wallowing psyche.

Lacks Will Power:

Although men are generally thought of as the cheaters, infidelity is a two-way street, with more and more women partaking in — and initiating — the deed. Increasingly, women who don’t want to be involved in a serious relationship are seeking out married men. And some men go along with a woman’s advances because they don’t want to be called “whipped” if they don’t.

A Spiritual Emptiness:

Few religions condone a man having an intimate relationship with more than one woman. In fact, most refer to it as die ultimate sin. Forsaking all others is at the core of any spiritually based relationship. Therefore, experts say that a man who chooses to partake in one of the few acts that is strictly forbidden in most religious teachings hints at his lack of spirituality. With a religious foundation, a man will understand that perhaps the only thing strong enough to quell temptations raging inside of him is a strong spiritual base.

Climate Of Instant Gratification:

His personal values have become confused with society’s “just-do-it” mentality. He thinks and acts in 30-second sound bites, with no thought about the repercussions of his actions. He sees no reason to rein in his feelings and desires. If he thinks a woman is attractive, he’ll go after her, never letting a little thing like his present relationship stand in his way.

Seeking Revenge:

He’s angry at something his partner said or did, and is looking to even the score, even if that means breaking the rules. In his mind, he feels cheating is a justified way to make the scales balanced again. For angry men, cheating provides a challenge. Although he figures his partner will never find out about it, simply knowing how much it would hurt her if she did is enough to satisfy most seething men.

Left Guard Down:

He has become sloopy in setting boundaries with female friends. Many times this situation occurs at work, when a friendship with a co-worker spills over into a sexual relationship. Many times, a woman’s simple smile or bat of the eye can spur this transition. Before a man realms what’s happening his impulses take over and he begins to equate his masculinity with his ability to satisfy a woman who has given a slight indication that she is interested.

So what happens after a man cheats? Experts say if his partner doesn’t find out about transgressions, a man will most likely continue to do it. While there are numerous reasons why man cheats, one simple fact remains: Most men don’t want to stop playing the cheating game, even though a cheater “must forever keep his lies straight,” Baisden says, “because with one slip of the tongue, his world could come tumbling down around him.”

When a cheater is finally unmasked and the stick of dynamite he’s been secretly holding finally explodes, all trust in him is lost, and the message to the man’s partner is painfully clear. Nothing is as personal as cheating.

But the first time a man is caught doesn’t necessarily spell the end of his relationship with his significant other. Relationship therapists say that if a man is remorseful and his partner is forgiving, things can be patched up. “I’ve worked with couples who have deepened their marital bond because of infidelity,” Hopson says. “The main thing is genuine remorse. Nothing justifies it, but it clearly can be forgiven.”

Sometimes it means teaching a man how to be more assertive when dealing with aggressive women, other times it means finding constructive hobbies that will consume his idle mind. But, always, it means re-examining his present relationship to find out what areas need improving. A relationship counselor or clinical psychologist can help, but the real help has to come from the two people in the relationship. Continued hostility, resentment, or even physical confrontations and altercations are definite signs that it’s time four the women to either accept his cheating ways or call it quits.

Experts say many women may be milling to forgive once, but that’s it. “The old adage, `Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,’ definitely applies,” Elmore says.

COPYRIGHT 1998 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group

Bibliography for “Infidelity: why men cheat”

“Infidelity: why men cheat“. Ebony. Nov 1998. FindArticles.com. 08 Oct. 2007. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_n1_v54/ai_21270363