Infidelity: why men cheat
Infidelity: why men cheat
It’s been called everything from having an “improper relationship” to having an “undercover lover” to having a “freak on the side.” But whatever name it’s given, it means one thing — cheating. And relationship experts say men are doing it now more than ever.
In fact, experts estimate that nearly 75 percent of married men, or men involved in serious relationships, cheat. That means three men out of every four practice infidelity, if the numbers are to be believed. And maybe even more disturbing is the simultaneous collapse of the seven-year itch, the once-disreputable length of time it was thought to normally take a man to give into sexual temptation. Today, studies show that most men who cheat are doing it within the first three years of a relationship. Newspaper classifieds now are even speckled with personals that read: “MBM (Married Black Male) in search of a NSA (No Strings-Attached) relationship.
What’s going on here? Why the recent surge in male infidelity? Relationship counselors say it can be attributed to many factors, but perhaps the overriding reason men are cheating at an alarming rate is because it’s easier than ever before.
Long gone are the days when a man and his mistress communicated by calling each other’s home, letting the telephone ring once and hanging up. With technological advances such as pagers, cell phones, voice mail and e-mail, a Brother with a cheating heart can carry on a side relationship without much fear of getting caught, virtually staying in touch with the other woman 24/7 without his partner ever having a clue. Add to that, the increased daily contact between men and women, according to all available statistics, and even men who were onetime scaredy-cats have turned into bold and brazen cheaters.
In his book, Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat, Michael Baisden says the emergence of workplace diversity has made the job site the rendezvous hot spot of the ’90s. “Women are on the job in record numbers, occupying every position from secretary to CEO,” Baisden says. “This reality puts men and women in direct contact with one another on a daily basis. In the morning, they board crowded buses and trains together, and for eight long hours they work in cramped office spaces, brushing up against one another by accident, and by choice … A cordial invitation to have a quick lunch passionately erupts into an indecent proposal to have a quickie for lunch.”
But even with ’90s-style changes in technology and the workplace environment, relationship counselors stress that the bottom line is the same today as it was yesterday: A man two-times for one reason — because he wants to and some lack the impulse-control to suppress his wants. Experts say that unlike women — who undoubtedly fantasize about extracurricular romance but are able to separate it from reality — men are unable to distinguish between mental longings and physical transgressions, many times until it’s too late. “To be faithful, a man ultimately has to deprive himself of something that he knows will feel good,” says Ronn Elmore, an L.A. relationship therapist and author of How to Love a Black Woman. “Deprivation in a society that says, `If it feels good, do it,’ is tough for most men.”
This doesn’t mean, by any means, that all Brothers cheat. There are solid men all around, as evident by the number of couples celebrating their 50-year wedding anniversaries in Jet and other Black newspapers.
But for the ones who do cheat, the reasons vary. For some men, cheating feeds the ego. For others, it feeds their illusions that a man’s role is to conquer as many women as possible, and a woman’s sole purpose in life is to please men. And still others creep because of its intoxicating effects, providing an adrenaline rush. But whether a man considers cheating mental therapy, role playing or more thrilling than bungy-jumping, “nothing justifies it, nothing makes cheating okay,” says Darlene Powell Hopson, a clinical psychologist in Hartford, Conn., who co-authored the book, Friends, Lovers and Soulmates: A Guide to Better Relationships Between Black Men and Women, with her husband, Derek S. Hopson, also a clinical psychologist. “A man needs to deal with the underlying reasons why he cheats.”
While men many times have the false impression that they cheat simply to have uncommitted sex, experts say the reasons run much deeper. The following, according to experts, are the real reasons men cheat:
Women Stand For It:
Men wouldn’t cheat if women didn’t let them. Women marry men who have cheated on them during courtship, even though relationship experts warn that a man who cheats on his fiancee, or even his girlfriend, will probably cheat on his wife. But the reality is that the world is filled with scores of lonely women looking for love. Men are well aware that the loneliness some women feel is so strong that they are willing to settle for a cheater, and write off his scurrilous ways as a simple case of “boys will be boys.” At day’s end, these women would rather lie down next to a cheater than no man at all.
Frustration Over Present Relationship:
It all sounded good at first — sharing his life, his hopes, his dreams in an exciting relationship with one special lady. But soon after the newness wore off, his romantic visions of a wonderful future shifts to the realities of a problem-filled daily existence. The dishwasher’s broken, the car needs a new transmission, work is a pain and the bill collectors are calling. Before long, most of their conversations consist of taking care of mundane tasks. He begins to feel like his partner is more critical of him, more argumentative, and does not give him the attention that he deserves.
So he eventually cheats, viewing it as a way to obtain the emotion that is no longer present in his current relationship. With his undercover lover, there is no stress, no pressure. They both work hard to satisfy each other mentally and physically. They share their shortcomings, and in time develop an emotional bond.
Thrill-seeking:
This man is bored and likes the novelty of being with another woman. So rather than put energy into rekindling the relationship he has with his partner, developing a hobby or engaging in something else that will give him an adrenaline rush, he looks for excitement in all the wrong places — first and foremost, in-between the sheets. He usually has a series of affairs with different women, moving from one to another one when the novelty wears off.
Ego Boost:
The cheating game is filled with men looking for reassurance of their manhood from a woman other than the one he’s involved with. He feels a lack of self-worth and self-esteem, and cheating provides a mental vacation, an escape from the responsibilities of his daily life. He has convinced himself that his cheating heart can cure his wallowing psyche.
Lacks Will Power:
Although men are generally thought of as the cheaters, infidelity is a two-way street, with more and more women partaking in — and initiating — the deed. Increasingly, women who don’t want to be involved in a serious relationship are seeking out married men. And some men go along with a woman’s advances because they don’t want to be called “whipped” if they don’t.
A Spiritual Emptiness:
Few religions condone a man having an intimate relationship with more than one woman. In fact, most refer to it as die ultimate sin. Forsaking all others is at the core of any spiritually based relationship. Therefore, experts say that a man who chooses to partake in one of the few acts that is strictly forbidden in most religious teachings hints at his lack of spirituality. With a religious foundation, a man will understand that perhaps the only thing strong enough to quell temptations raging inside of him is a strong spiritual base.
Climate Of Instant Gratification:
His personal values have become confused with society’s “just-do-it” mentality. He thinks and acts in 30-second sound bites, with no thought about the repercussions of his actions. He sees no reason to rein in his feelings and desires. If he thinks a woman is attractive, he’ll go after her, never letting a little thing like his present relationship stand in his way.
Seeking Revenge:
He’s angry at something his partner said or did, and is looking to even the score, even if that means breaking the rules. In his mind, he feels cheating is a justified way to make the scales balanced again. For angry men, cheating provides a challenge. Although he figures his partner will never find out about it, simply knowing how much it would hurt her if she did is enough to satisfy most seething men.
Left Guard Down:
He has become sloopy in setting boundaries with female friends. Many times this situation occurs at work, when a friendship with a co-worker spills over into a sexual relationship. Many times, a woman’s simple smile or bat of the eye can spur this transition. Before a man realms what’s happening his impulses take over and he begins to equate his masculinity with his ability to satisfy a woman who has given a slight indication that she is interested.
So what happens after a man cheats? Experts say if his partner doesn’t find out about transgressions, a man will most likely continue to do it. While there are numerous reasons why man cheats, one simple fact remains: Most men don’t want to stop playing the cheating game, even though a cheater “must forever keep his lies straight,” Baisden says, “because with one slip of the tongue, his world could come tumbling down around him.”
When a cheater is finally unmasked and the stick of dynamite he’s been secretly holding finally explodes, all trust in him is lost, and the message to the man’s partner is painfully clear. Nothing is as personal as cheating.
But the first time a man is caught doesn’t necessarily spell the end of his relationship with his significant other. Relationship therapists say that if a man is remorseful and his partner is forgiving, things can be patched up. “I’ve worked with couples who have deepened their marital bond because of infidelity,” Hopson says. “The main thing is genuine remorse. Nothing justifies it, but it clearly can be forgiven.”
Sometimes it means teaching a man how to be more assertive when dealing with aggressive women, other times it means finding constructive hobbies that will consume his idle mind. But, always, it means re-examining his present relationship to find out what areas need improving. A relationship counselor or clinical psychologist can help, but the real help has to come from the two people in the relationship. Continued hostility, resentment, or even physical confrontations and altercations are definite signs that it’s time four the women to either accept his cheating ways or call it quits.
Experts say many women may be milling to forgive once, but that’s it. “The old adage, `Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,’ definitely applies,” Elmore says.
COPYRIGHT 1998 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group
Bibliography for “Infidelity: why men cheat”
“Infidelity: why men cheat“. Ebony. Nov 1998. FindArticles.com. 08 Oct. 2007. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_n1_v54/ai_21270363
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The biggest lies about Black male and female relationships
The biggest lies about Black male and female relationships
THE “happy Black couple.” To some, that phrase seems like the ultimate oxymoron. That’s because so many people buy into the notion that the battles between Black men and Black women are so fierce that maintaining a stable, committed relationship is virtually impossible. True enough, Brothers and Sisters often find themselves staring across a great divide that makes coupling up a challenge. Still, countless Black folks are hooking up and staying hooked up, defying the stereotypes and the mythology that says Black couples can’t make it.
In fact, as Black and White scholars have demonstrated, Black family relationships were as stable and strong as Southern White households and Northern White ethnic households until the 1930s. Since that time, the situation has changed, primarily because of a lethal combination of racism, urbanization, unemployment and drugs. “What is astonishing under these circumstances,” as one historian noted, “is not that some Black couples have problems, but that so many Black couples still love and give.” These couples are all around us, and we can learn from them and from Black history how to identify–and how to defy–the biggest lies about Black male/female relationships.
On the following pages are some of the biggest myths associated with Black male/female relationships and some ways in which you can avoid falling into the emotional and mental traps that make these pitfalls seem too big to steer clear of.
1. Black Relationships/Marriages Don’t Last
Many people accept this notion as fact despite the contrary evidence presented by the thousands of Black couples who each year celebrate marriages that have lasted 50 years or more. Jet magazine features them each week. They are couples like Lurline and Wendell Cotton of Garland, Texas. The Cottons, both 80, celebrated their 59th wedding anniversary on February 6.
Not only have the Cottons lived together for most of their lives, they worked together for nearly 40 years in Wendell Cotton’s dental practice in California. Lurline Cotton served as her husband’s office manager until the couple retired and moved to Texas in 1984. What’s the key to their marital longevity? “Mutual respect,” says Lurline Cotton, who had three sisters, each of whom also was married over 50 years. “You’ve got to have that respect for the other person. There are going to be hard times and some disagreements in a marriage. But when you have that respect, then you are allowed to be who you are and your partner is allowed to be who he is, and you can work through anything.”
2. Black Male/Female Relationships Are Only About Sex
It’s true that sex is a critical component in any marriage or committed relationship, but its significance as the only thing that cements Black male/female relationships is highly exaggerated. “Sex is important; every man will tell you that,” says Dr. George Smith, a Chicago psychotherapist who has counseled more than 2,000 couples in relationship trouble. “But if sex is all you have holding your relationship together, you’re in trouble because you don’t have a true relationship.”
Smith says he tries to show the couples he works with how to communicate and trust and support each another so that their relationship is about more than sex. More often than not, he’s successful. He helps couples find the bonds and mutual goals that make their sexual relationship a sustainable partnership. “Any relationship of substance has to be based on trust and commitment and respect,” he says. “If you have those things, you’ll not only have a true partnership, you’ll have great sex.”
3. All Black Male/Female Relationships Are Filled With Arguments, Hardship And Pain
Love may hurt, but it doesn’t have to, the experts say. Many Black couples in healthy and stable relationships can and do disagree without becoming disagreeable.
But the image of the constantly bickering Black couple has taken over popular thought to such a degree that most people assume it is the norm, says Tiy-E Muhammad, assistant professor of psychology at Clark Atlanta University. “Many people believe that couples must have dramatic occurrences–cursing at one another, being put out of the house, keying somebody’s car–in order to appreciate one another,” Muhammad says. “WRONG! It is very possible–in fact, it’s the norm–for a couple to have a nice, respectful relationship without all of the drama that society is starting to make us believe is normal.”
The way to avoid having your relationship dispute degenerate into screaming matches is to learn how to fight fair. Don’t choose the moment of a dispute about money to hit your partner with a “low blow” about sexual performance or inattention to your emotional needs. “Make sure that what you’re fighting about is really what you’re mad about [at the time],” says Kathy Grant, a Miami marriage counselor. “When arguments blow up into huge, dramatic fights, there’s more at work there than what people say they’re arguing about. That’s why constant communication is important.”
4. All Black Men Cheat On Their Partners
This is such a widely accepted belief, many Black men won’t even dispute it. But while monogamy can be hard, it’s a behavior many Black men conform to with the love and support of strong Black women.
But due to the myriad social and environmental forces that have not been supportive of strong, Black male role models, “a lot of Black men don’t know how to be a husband or father,” says Dr. Smith. “But if you work with him, nurture him, talk to him, you can help him to be the husband and father you want and need him to be.”
Smith also cautions Black men not to allow ego and insecurity to push them to live up to the myth of the Black superstud at the expense of their relationships. “A lot of times, as Black men, our huge egos are all we bring to the table in a relationship, and when that ego gets hurt, we strike out with the one weapon we think we have,” Smith says. “But a lot of Black men, with the help of their women, are learning to open up. They’re learning how to deal with frustrations in their relationships in other ways besides having a woman on the side.”
But women also bear some responsibility for the promulgation of the belief that all Black men cheat. “A lot of women withhold sex as a form of behavior modification or punishment when they’re angry with their spouse or boyfriend,” says Dr. Grant. “That’s not only not healthy, it doesn’t work. It’s the surefire way to send a man looking elsewhere, especially since society is conditioning him to believe that’s what is expected of him.”
Both Grant and Smith say communication and maintaining an active sex life are essential to keep a man from straying. “It can be tough,” says Grant. “Especially for the working mother, who on top of her job, still takes the lead role in caring for the kids and home. She’s often just too tired for sex. But you’ve got to find ways to make that a priority in your relationship. Help him see how sharing in the housework and taking care of the children will also help in the bedroom. Don’t withhold sex if he doesn’t do those things. But help him to see how rewarding it can be when he does.”
5. Black Women Can’t Hold Relationships Together Because They Are Too Domineering And Demanding
It is ironic that the strength and determination for which Black women are revered as mothers and stalwart family supporters are also the qualities around which a great deal of relationship mythology is centered.
Part of the problem is the ambivalence many men have about what they really want in a partner/mate. “Modern-day men enjoy having an independent woman,” says Tiy-E Muhammad. “Most men will say, `I want a woman who’s got it going on.’ But after the relationship has begun, those same men will now want that woman to submit and be a part of his vision and his dream. He will want to be the dominant figure in the relationship in order to feel whole.”
In relationships that work–those that endure for decades–the individuals who make up the couple take turns allowing the other to be “boss.” “You don’t have to be totally submissive,” says Lurline Cotton, “but sometimes you go along with what he wants to do, even if it’s not exactly what you want, and he goes along with what you want to do, even if it’s not exactly what he wants.”
This only works if there is trust in the relationship. “You have to be secure in the feeling that your mate is operating in your best interest,” says Dr. Grant. “But a lot of Black women have had experiences that may lead them to believe that every guy is trying to get over on them, and that’s a hard barrier to get over. So men have to work hard to show them that they’re deserving of that trust. It may take time and a lot of effort on the man’s part to get through that barrier, but a lot of couples manage it.”
Black women also must relinquish some control, especially on the home front, which many women see as their dominion. “Just because he doesn’t feed the baby exactly the way you would or make dinner exactly the way you would, you don’t just take that away from him or degrade his approach,” advises Dr. Smith. “If you nurture him and show appreciation for the way he does-things, you’re showing him respect and building up that trust in the relationship.”
The bottom line is that Black couples do make it–more make it, in fact, than our society ever really acknowledges. And if more people followed the examples of the couples whose relationships do endure, and the tips from the experts who help struggling couples get over the hump, perhaps the myths about Black male/female relationships would fade–replaced by more stories like those of Lurline and Wendell Cotton, whose 59-year marriage is still going strong.
“It takes a commitment to what you’re trying to build together,” Lurline Cotton says. “But if you have the respect and th,e love, the commitment is a lot easier to maintain.”
COPYRIGHT 2002 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2002 Gale Group
Bibliography for “The biggest lies about Black male and female relationships”
“The biggest lies about Black male and female relationships“. Ebony. March 2002. FindArticles.com. 08 Oct. 2007. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_5_57/ai_83450359
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